dwelling...

2007-02-19T14:25:00.000+08:00

Though still bitter and sour,
It's weird how the feeling of relief rushes all over,
Like a stone lifted up my back.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
While erasing the memories bit by bit,
remembering the happiness and falling in love all over again.
Humans are a contradicting bunch.
Why does a simple life has to be made into such complications?
If only things were as easy as like how North pole attracts the South like a magnet.

Though disappointed, but a new gained friend.
Keen to know what this new year has in store for me. :)

And to all other couples still lovey, best wishes.

2007-01-20T23:41:00.000+08:00

Have you ever realised how sometimes deep down in your heart,
you already know the answer.
Yet how stubborn we humans are,
not believing until hearing it, sound and clear.

All I can say is,
I do not live in regret.
I've tried, I tumbled, yet still, I can't seem to give you what you want.
And I'm sorry.
The past half year has been a cloud nine for both of us.
I believe you, and I want you to believe that.
I do appreciate all that you've done.
And for that, these happy memories will be tucked right deep in.
Because I care, and because I only want to miss the happy us,
I hope you'll be free and happy.
Only you being happy would make our seperation all worth it.

Please remember,
You'll be as important as ever.
Maybe just in a different way.

Work has been draining all my energy, but I love it.
Tired as I might be,
please pray I'd strive for the sake of career prospects I'm offered.
Make-up diploma's starting end of the month! :)

*Aud & Ser, you'll both be missed. Very dearly. Please take care, in Canada. And after tonight at the airport, please remember I'll be waiting for the next time I see you two.

http://saey0ulurveeme.blogspot.com/ <- Just a sneak peek at my full-time supporter. :p

2007-01-20T14:09:00.000+08:00

That sourish feeling.

I guess I've found the answer.
We've had the happy times and that's probably more than enough.
The wrong time in life.

People are leaving, and the loneliness kicks in once again.

2007-01-19T21:11:00.000+08:00

Was it that we didn't try or did we actually try too much?

Sometimes people come to a point, a halt.
And suddenly, realise that this tunnel is endless.
Yet that tugging feeling inside tells you to go on, because things would end soon.
And when you really don't know what to do anymore,
you just decide to try and try to go on hoping that light would come soon;
And hoping that you don't breakdown before it does.

And I know that I am breaking down soon.

Tried all that I can, did I that I could do.
Time will tell, which things are meant to be.

Yes, I see that faint glimmer in the tunnel.
Would this glimmer finally lead to the end,
or would it be yet another illusion and false hope?

2006-12-27T15:28:00.000+08:00

Been five months..

I see all the success stories,
so, so inspiring.

Have they all gone through all these too?
Is it that, after I brace myself past this obstacle course, I'll be like them too?

Am I really, not the one feeling this way?
Are there many other hundred and thousands of hearts feeling this smash and confusing feeling I'm having too?

One after another..
I've been trying, am still trying..

And today I'm just going to take a rest,
wipe these tears dry,
and continue to try.

Until the day, I can no longer tear.

So happy, after each obstacle that's been overcome.
How many more, I don't know.
But all you gotta know is,
you're very much appreciated.
And you mean more to me than you can imagine.

2006-11-18T01:09:00.000+08:00

Putting it all down together might have been the mistake after all.
So tiring and I'm so afraid of all the problems that keep arising,
waking up to solve these.

Trying, being tough..
I should've known the breakdown was coming.
The talks, working it out.
I just want to have a good night's sleep.

All I want is to be happy together, not to keep solving problems and end up unhappy.
And yes, it's not so easy after all.

Waiting, for what I don't know.
Dreading the meeting, the eye contact, the tears, the talk.
I just feel like letting it all go,
and I wanna run away from it all..

How did we become like this..
How did someone I always looked forward to seeing
become so distant..
And when did making each other happy become so tough.

All I want now is,
to go back to what it was like..
Or, just letting it all go. Once and for all.

2006-11-15T02:18:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's just me.
Empty and unhappy,
but there's no better solution.

The few months..
Always had the sinking feeling it'd end somehow,
just didn't expect it to be now.

Don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

2006-10-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

I miss Mr. Boyfriend.
Bali trip's better be so good that it can compensate the time I'm thinking about you. :)
Now I'm off to celebrate mooncake festival with the chang ers, mooncakes, and maybe(hopefully) liquor.

2006-10-06T02:56:00.000+08:00

Can't seem to get to sleep despite my weary eyes.
Darn warm weather, if only I could've just fell asleep straight, as soundly.

Gonna be a lonely lonely 5 days, gonna miss. :)

It's nice to be by each other, sleeping and peaceful,
not unhappy, zero disputes.
And I'm happy.

Good night.

2006-09-25T04:06:00.000+08:00

With compromise and trust,
honey and candy floss,
2 months flew.

We've started to realise the sourish aftertaste
of glucose in our mouths.

Will we continue to be happy?
Or will tonight end like any other,
like how 12am passes us by everyday.

What is it that we want, or ask for..

I could just have fried chicken every weekend despite dumping the skin.
But would you, have salads with me on my every Monday blue?

2006-09-11T14:11:00.000+08:00

Not sure where this is heading or bringing us.
Each time a new flower blooms, I thought..
I always thought..
This time especially.
But yet time and again,
it's never smooth sailing.
All the tougher it is when you thought you'd finally see the light at the end of the tunnel,
then you realised it's just another illusion..

Maybe I am, just another dime.
And what I am, might just not be enough.

2006-08-23T15:43:00.001+08:00

Sometimes when dusk sets in,
when it's dark and not even you can see your own expression,
these anecdoctal snapshots of vines start creeping in slowly on you;
Deeper than the core of your brain.

Warmly comforted in a chilly room,
the battle between Heaven and Hell..
Flashes blinded the eyes,
raw flesh beneath the sewn wound bled.

Dear God, whomever you may be,
what is it that I am supposed to feel?
Why have you made me confused,
why have you made my mind an orphan,
and presented me a trackless soul.

My brain is drained,
my limbs are tired..
My posture has slumped,
my feet are dragged.
The uncountable commitments each mounted on top of one another,
looks a rat to a pile of stones,
weighs a truck on the strained back.

At the end of each labelled path when the sun finally stops beating down,
it's you I await to see..
And it's you whom I await to plaster a smile as cheery as the sun that was beating down.

Because that is what I want for you, too. :)

2006-08-02T16:14:00.000+08:00

July has been a crazy month.
Been slacking for almost 2 weeks already,
it really is time to pour some thinner over that superglue.
I need to work!

Been teddy after teddy, so tiring.
Why can't somebody right be around once and for all,
or just let nobody appear at all.
Nothing seems right,
nothing seems like reality anymore.
I am a human-being that has lost touch..
I am not happy.

I want to be appreciated because I am XueYun,
because I am who I am.
And not because I am 'just a companion', easily replaced.

I feel like I am crossing a busy road in the middle of town,
I hear the cars honking, traffic lights blinking,
I smell the waft of cigarette smoke from behind me, and the incessant chattering from strangers all around me.
But as I turn around, I am alone, all alone,
as I cross the busy road in town all by myself.

2006-07-05T16:37:00.000+08:00

Bittersweet birthday.
All started really badly,
but thanks guys for ending it on a really sweet note.
Other than my parents nobody'd bother as much, I believe.
Well at least I got the quiet birthday I wanted this year. :)

When will I ever stop rocketing up or plummeting down.

2006-07-01T03:40:00.000+08:00

Upset & disappointments are part of life.
And they come in all the time,
especially at wrong times or situations.

Prolly I should just look into the mirror,
and the reason prolly lies right at the reflection I'm staring at.
Mistakes of oneself are always the hardest to identify,
Yet often ends up the worst you've ever imagined.

2006-06-24T17:38:00.000+08:00

Fashion Show @ Zouk again last night.
FruFru & Firefly, Murder & Stray.
Collections were cool, looking forward to drop by retail shops :)

Drank a little after, hitched a ride from transport to sk.
Too energetic yesterday for a girl who didn't sleep the whole night,
only feeling the lethargy now.
Plus point : Sound sleep the entire night, been a long time..

2006-06-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

Why is it so true, that evil is so much easier to be seen or accused,
regardless whether it is true or not.
And good, on the other hand, is always piled right at the bottom.

Why is it that, my viewpoint from your direction,
everything seems wrong and overturned.
Why is it that, it's natural and normally accepted that
I should be the more unfairly treated one, just because I'm older and more independent?

Everything has a good side, as well as the ugly side.
And why should you, smile proudly and accept compliments when your friends are envious of you for my independence.
Go around telling the whole world it's a load off your mind that I can take care of myself for most things,
But yet, not be able to accept the negative side of my independence and dump the blame on yourself?
So does that mean that, independence, is something
proud and worthy to have when it's shining brightly under chandeliers,
but something to blame and be ashamed about when poor lightings are compromising the beauty of it?

Why can't I, for once,
be the young and naive, dependent and childish one.
That one where all I have gotta do is to whine to get things my way.
For once, be the one who gets all the better treatment and bask on clean beaches with shades and suntan lotion, instead of the one out on the rocky sea trying to look out for any bad signs?

Is it fair? Should I be happy and contented? Am I right, or wrong? Or am I wrong when I'm wrong, and wrong when I'm right as well?
I don't know..

Sometimes, it doesn't mean that if you've done your job, I'd have felt it.
If you chose to take this path with us, don't complain.
If you were afraid, you should've just stayed on your same path in the first place.
Doing your job does not mean doing what YOU think you SHOULD have done. You forgot all about how I feel. It's not just about you.. How about me? Could I, be allowed to be selfish, just once?

2006-06-22T05:22:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, the first day of school, damn, did I feel like shit.
Gotten used to the hectic work lifestyle, it was weird to adjust, even weirder feeling to feel like a student again. No, it's not carrying books and dressing down and sitting down in lectures, those were easy.

There isn't a choice of talking or not talking to somebody at work.
You don't have to try because you've just got to.
Whether it's because of work-related duties, communication with superiors,
when you're just bored slacking around when you've done your job, or simply because you want a smoking partner.

School, ha, I turned up at orientation and left after 5mins,
not wanting to get involved in supposed 'dumb' and 'kiddy' games.
Well, everyone thought they were, even those who turned up for orientation.
But the difference is that, it were those games everyone dreaded,
that created ties and bonds between the class, and it was how these little cliques are formed.
And man it was obviously shown when I walked in late on my first day.
You see many unfamiliar faces staring back at your face,
and it's written all over 'you mean this girl's in our class? Never seen her!'
And needless to say, it was MY job to make friends and talk.
No, I'm not saying that my class wasn't nice, nor were they unfriendly.

I just thought I wanted to remember these thoughts somewhere.
After two weeks (though it's just 6 lessons), it's gotten better, and of course I've found my own friends.
Everything's going well, okay, I admit sewing and drawing sucks.
And even too much of looking at beautiful models donning latest trends can actually get me sick and tired.
But at least I want to go to school everyday.
It's no longer a chore or trying to sleep secretly during classes.
I just don't want to miss out on anything anymore!
I enjoy going to school to learn something that will ultimately be interesting, if it isn't already is. It's just like how much I enjoyed myself at Stila, playing around with colours and faces,
despite the only chore being waking up..

Just got home a couple of hours back from a fashion show at Zouk,
including a mini gay-movie marathon after.
Met Ange, Cand and that whole gang after 1/2 a year of a double job stint.
I missed all these feelings!
It's like finding myself all over again,
and realising how much I lost out on,
my social life, in comparisn with being really comfortable with a well-fed wallet.

Well, I've only realised that I missed many things when I was working,
it's not like I can still opt to be really broke just to enjoy myself. (On the other hand, where do you get these enjoyment fees when you've sacrificed your wallet?)
Therefore my hint is clear, donations are gladly welcomed and sincerely accepted. :p

This finally looks like a decent blog entry after eons of
'short and sweet' comments nobody exactly understands.
I hope I'll be bothered to continue.
Till then. :)

2006-06-06T01:21:00.000+08:00

Week-long holiday in Bangkok.
It was crazy, crazy time with my family,
crazy time shopping, the crazy water sports in Pattaya.
Loved it. Had such a good time,
never felt like this for the longest time.
Half a year of being a workaholic,
I finally felt super fantastic despite the hectic schedule of the tour group!

School started today. All was ok, hopefully will get better though.
Till then! :)

2006-04-22T16:12:00.000+08:00

It's been quite awhile.
Reminiscing mode.
So I do have feelings after all.
Found myself, buried away under layers & layers.

School starting in a mth or so, Aud & I are in the same course! :)

2006-04-02T03:06:00.000+08:00

I wanna go for a holiday abroad. Anybody?

2006-03-29T15:01:00.000+08:00

Luther Vandross - I'd Rather

I thought some time alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone(alone)
and I tried and found
out this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
but wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection built on lies,all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now

and I've had a change of heart
I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart,who holds my heart
I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine, oh ho please be mine

I'd rather have bad times with(please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else(I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm(anytime),
than safe and warm by myself(surely surely baby)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart(my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you(surely),
than good times with someone else(surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm(oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself(all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart(you know yeah)

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo.....who holds my heart

2006-03-13T20:38:00.000+08:00

Work is wearing me out. Big time.
But also killing alot of my time.
And making it possible for me to openly spend money like water. :p
Been up too many late nights and midnight coffees.
Don't be surprised if you see a haggard xueyun the next time you see me.

2006-03-08T20:38:00.000+08:00

"I wanna spend Valentines' with you even if I have to eat swiss roll."
Those short, sweet days.
So logical, put your heart into something, you're happy but yet you'd get upset someday.
Stay cold, remain numb, you'd never be happy, neither hurt.

I'd choose the latter. You?

2006-03-04T02:03:00.000+08:00

Carefree.

2006-02-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

Karma. What goes around comes around.
Now I sincerely believe in that.

2006-02-13T00:39:00.000+08:00

Haven't been seeing something so simple & sweet in a long long while.
Got me on cloud 9 this couple of days. :)
Even with the harsh realities I've unfortunately witnessed,
I'm starting to believe the world might not be that black after all.
Am just praying disappointment doesn't come crashing yet again.

2006-01-27T14:28:00.000+08:00

I hate mr chicken.

2006-01-22T03:21:00.000+08:00

Been such a workaholic of late.

And I don't know what's wrong.

2006-01-06T12:37:00.000+08:00

Such a failure.

2006-01-02T14:30:00.000+08:00

I miss the kinda things I used to do.
Mistaken and upset.
All I ask for is some respect,
I'm not really that girl you think you're seeing.

Working and working and working.

2005-12-27T01:09:00.000+08:00

Missing.
Weird how I take things & people for granted but how I miss those that aren't mine.
Human nature I guess.
And just when I thought the not-so-perfect-like-a-fairytale was 'THE1'. Oh well. :p
Work was damned today. But Orson was a big cheer up. :p
So was the shopping spree after.
But I still love selling perfume. :D

2005-12-23T00:50:00.000+08:00

Emo-mode.
Just read J's blog, about her doing volunteer work.
Now I feel so bad, all my time's spent doing things for myself.
So selfish. =/
I'm not gonna have enough sleep tonight, again.

Inspiration. :p

2005-12-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

The skies haven't been dark for so long.
Today it started raining again.
Fucking choppy waters.

2005-12-16T16:49:00.000+08:00

Been going funny, don't know why.
Everybody around me's coupled up. ):
Lol. Oh well. Happy, nevertheless.
Bye blog.

2005-12-09T16:01:00.000+08:00

HerStory best awards was good.
Didn't stay for the party though,
because SOMEBODY mixed SOME DATES up. ):
Haha, we witnessed the joke of the century from Zsa our beloved Best Butch Singer.
Details can obtained from Olinda Cho, and trouble goes to Sean Tan. :D

Anyway, I'm still out of a job. God bless me.

2005-12-08T19:14:00.000+08:00

Been quite emo last night. Oh well. :p
Heading to zouk, I don't know why!! God.
I miss clubbing though.

Hmm gonna pick Aud & Bla up later. :D
Will start work tomorrow.
The thought makes me feel sick. ):

2005-12-05T21:30:00.000+08:00

Man, I got the phone I always wanted!
My Samsung 530C.
Losing my phone might be a blessing in disguise after all. (:
I'm happy!

2005-12-03T05:11:00.000+08:00

God I'm so tired I can just drop dead here and fall asleep.
Bless my merry soul.

2005-11-29T15:12:00.000+08:00

I enjoyed myself in Bangkok. (:
Thais really impressed me, I thought they'd be super uncivilised but most i met were fine.
Service was pretty amazing.
Shopped like mad, ate like mad.
Weight loss programme started today!
Gonna last me e whole mth at least.

The world never seems to send enough freaks to piss me off.
Boy, if you're that childish why're you even bothered to talk to me?
Stop talking to me or asking me out if you know you're gonna throw a tantrum after that.
I'm already at my brim.
I'm not naming names but i do hope you'd be embarassed enough to stop after readin it HERE.

2005-11-20T19:17:00.000+08:00

not exactly a very fantastic day.
neither was it too good last night. ):
welllllll.

2005-11-19T18:10:00.000+08:00

everything's been going on fine (yeah except for my exams. stop ranting)
i'm happy, all of us're happy.
2 more days to e end of hell!
rock this shit. :D

2005-11-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

like junk.
things happen.
they just do.

im feelin like shit.
everyone was nice but im just kinda emotionally screwed up.
aghh fuck this.

2005-11-12T23:07:00.000+08:00

misery filling up this empty box.
it's not where it belongs to,
mismatching numbers to alphabets,
substituting spirituality with physicality and vice versa.
this is shit,
not what this box was meant to be for..

2005-11-06T22:26:00.000+08:00

maybe if i weren't born life wouldnt be like that for more than a couple of people. but e fact is i am alive and kicking and i can't do a shit about it : this fucked up thing. it feels good to be engulfed in my own world, thinking what i want. not when reality kicks in. when you think about the things that've happened and how it's shaped you into you and how you have to stop thinkin this way cos you cant do anything about it, you realise you've been such a sucker.

2005-10-29T03:06:00.000+08:00

im supposed t be sleepin/studyin or doin something constructive now like watch 'jiang hua yu' shows now, but i feel like sinning! looked really shit today, puffy eyes, puffy face and all. must have been all e alcohol plus e junk i ate last night. Gotham was good though. been pigging out for 2 days in a row already! i know i definitely gained weight, gonna resume my super healthy eating lifestyle from tomorrow onwards.

(: not gonna change; my changchang

unveil the myriad of dreams and break the suspense.

2005-10-12T22:48:00.000+08:00

i need t get my ass down t studyin!
been enjoyin myself too much ):
been such a sinful girl.
no more clubbin, no more bridge, no more late night piggin out and no more 6hr coffees!
oh no.

2005-09-15T21:55:00.000+08:00

stop fuckin rubbin it in.

2005-09-13T18:57:00.000+08:00

destiny's child - is she the one

I thought that this was something (yes)
Promising that one day It would turn into something (yes)
I thought the feelings were mutual
And I didn't have to guess
Started being skeptical
Always unavailable
Like you didn't know
But now I'm feeling something (yes)
It's telling me this may not be the real something (yes)
But you was showing me
Now I'm ready and you running
Damn, you got me open now
Feeling like I'm choking now
Where am I to go

I can't Believe that you can feel my heart
And I can't Believe you'd let me fall so hard
Stop playing
How could you let it go this far
If you had doubts that I wasn't the one
And you said That you're the type to take it slow
And you said Before I step, I'll let you know
Stop playing
Before you let me see you with her
You could have told me a change was going to come

Is she the reason you don't call me like you used to
Fall through my hood like you use to
Or put it on me hard like you use to do
I feel in my mind what's going on
But my heart won't let me go until I know
Is she the reason that my calls didn't reach you
The deepest of my love couldn't please you
Or bring it to me home like you use to do
Seeing her falling for your charm
Got me feeling like I wasn't good enough

See, I know we not official (no)
But us being official ain't never been an issue (no)
It came down to us
Boy, remember we were different
We said that we'd talk
If we ever had problems about anything
I was cool with no commitment (wait)
Let me take that back
It was you, so I was with it (see)
Guess I didn't get
When you showed you didn't miss it
Now it seems that your interest ain't here
And we ain't the same

screw you.

exams're comin so super soon,
time t stop clubbin!
it's destroyin my brain cells and burnin a hole in my pocket.

you stil dont understand why i did that t you, d you?
am so fuckin disappointed,
no you arent anyone t me any longer.

2005-08-13T11:59:00.000+08:00

it's not al been going well.
i jus wanna settle down, study for my big exams this year end.

i didnt make a wrong choice after al,
when i decided t pluck up my courage,
turn my head and leave.
cos it's been lie after lie,
i cant differentiate which is truth and which isn't anymore.
sick of stressing myself out,
getting upset, shedding tears.
say goodbye to this fucked up feeling inside.
al im upset now is that this past cannot remain inside me.
unlike any others,
these are e memories that must go.
this is one thing i'l never turn and look back.
cos i've had enough,
and i wont sink any deeper.

my family is screwed.
e quarrels are coming,
it's downpouring again.
i thought after e flood e sun would shine forever but i was wrong.
and this time al these doesnt even involve me.
why?!
it's been already an ultra bad year.
al i hope is for everything t continue going smoothly.
i cant take this stress much longer,
hurry put this fire out.

i've forgotten what i used t love t do,
i've forgotten how important my friends used to mean to me.
i feel like i've been deported t another world,
and e agonising thing is i dont know what im becoming.

2005-07-01T18:26:00.000+08:00

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TMR.
hahahah.
daniel is going t kill me.
BYE.

2005-06-13T22:11:00.000+08:00

trying hard t run away,
and believing that im shedding all these old skin,
worn out from e constant wounds and bruises.
i think im fine, but e lonely sleepless nights drag into long pathways of thought.
dont know whats wrong,
but this flight of stairs seem neverending.
am i supposed t climb, or should i descend?
somebody show me e way, give me e directions,
e mixture of anger, sadness, jealousy, longing.
this churned up emotion's tough t put into words,
it's e emotion that keeps me turning from front t back night after night.
my body's exhausted but my mind's refuses t sleep.
i've always been eager t see more,
but now that i've seen e ugliness,
i wish i've been e naive one back then.
what's life, what's love?
is it those drama we watch on tv?
or are they perceptions humans perceive t colour up our lives?
it's dislocating my mind, my heart, my soul.

-excerpt from smth i wrote in my phone.(:

fell terribly sick,
but im okay now.
hahah.
been a long time since i updated.
but anyway, signing off! gn!

2005-05-28T21:59:00.000+08:00

it's been a long time.(:
time does fly,
faster year after year.
it's alr comin june, soon it's gonna be Os.
and after that, e decision of whether t stay or t go.

much as i wanna jus pursue what i love,
not sure if i'l be able t do it.
but ohwell, havent i always been that headstrong girl guys hate.
i've always been e one who'l go al out for smth i believe.(:

health's been failing me of late.
i wonder whats wrong.
maybe it's jus those books i've been seeing.
ok maybe not. =/

life's been just like that.
e same old routine, e same decisions.
am currently on a stop-xueyun-from-being-a-spendthrift campaign.
hey, dont laugh.
it's working alright! =D
but anyway, been kinda irritable of late.
it's jus one of 'those times' again.
haha. i'l do fine.

visited idp's 'study in australia day open house' today.
actually we had most of e info we needed,
but i guess somebody jus wanted t see dexton.
ahaha. =/
but it was fun anyway,
and got a couple of useful brochures for ref.
so yeah.(:

mid yr's comin up next week,
sigh.
i dont need luck,
i didnt study at all.

2005-04-30T15:32:00.000+08:00

VALEN WANTS ME T BLOG THAT SHE'S CUTE AND SEXY.
AINT UP T ME TO COMMENT.

2005-04-30T15:26:00.000+08:00

I don't understand why
See it's burning me to hold onto this
I know this is something I gotta do
But that don't mean I want to
What I'm trying to say is that I-love-you I just
I feel like this is coming to an end
And its better for me to
Let it go now than hold on and hurt you
I gotta let it burn
[Verse 1]
It's gonna burn for me to say this
But it's comin from my heart
It's been a long time coming
But we done been fell apart
Really wanna work this out
But I don't think you're gonna change
I do but you don't
Think it's best we go our separate ways
Tell me why I should stay in this relationship
When I'm hurting baby, I ain't happy baby
Plus there's so many other things I gotta deal with
I think that you should let it burn
[Chorus]
When the feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We knew it been through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Sendin' pages I ain't supposed to
Got somebody here but I want you
Cause the feelin ain't the same find myself
Callin' her your name
Ladies tell me do you understand?
Now all my fellas do you feel my pain?
It's the way I feel
I know I made a mistake
Now it's too late
I know she ain't comin back
What I gotta do now
To get my shorty back
Ooo ooo ooo ooooh
Man I don't know what I'm gonna do
Without my booo
You've been gone for too long
It's been fifty-leven days, um-teen hours
Imma be burnin' till you return (let it burn)
[Chorus]
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down
and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me
that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh oooh
Ooh ooh oooh (can ya feel me burnin'?)
Ooh ooh ooh oooh ooh oooh
So many days, so many hours
I'm still burnin' till you return
[Chorus]

burn, burn, burn it all.(: sad, nice, sweet.

so close but i cant touch,
just beside but i cant reach out t hold.
but it's okay.(:
i'l be looking forward.
one day we'l make it.

HEY. hah.
gonna cook later,
I WANT MY TEMPURA AND CALAMARI.
am super excited.

nothing much's been going on in my life of late.
people around me seem all depressed though.
ohwell.
signing off.(:

2005-04-23T10:27:00.000+08:00

hello!!!
was supposed t update a couple of weeks ago,
but blogger and e computers at e dumb lanshop screwed up on me.
hahah.

anyway, thanks,
dear and darling!
for your concern. yup.
im fine, really.
everybody's been here all tis while.
jus gotta let you guys knoe i really appreciate that.
haha.

e tide's over, e storm's calmed down.
have learnt t come t terms wit myself. so yup.

been quite eventful of late,
really tired out.
i promise i'l stay home tmr!
and sleep my ass out.
hahah.

gonna head down t sab's bday party later in e day.
happy sixteenth bday!(:

2005-04-11T15:13:00.000+08:00

BOULEVARD OF BROKEN DREAMS

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and
I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signsTo know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me'
Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ahAh-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...

torn and shattered,
why have i changed.
good or bad, i want e old me back.
save me from this endless pit.
i wanna stop falling.

2005-04-10T18:19:00.000+08:00

cos you'd never ever understand e pain that's inside.
cos you're so selfish all you think about is yourself.

i brought it upon myself,
i gave it all up, i chose my path, i got my goal.
am i happy? no.
but i dont care.

it's burning deep inside.
but you'd never understand.
cos t you, it's my problem. never yours.
so ya.

fuck it. i've no idea what im talking about but.
sigh whatever.
i promised i'l be a happier person.
and i'l def. be.(:
not t show anyone, but for myself.
it's gonna be a tough journey ahead.
but i guess im gonna choose t put all of myself into my studies.
thanks, all you people who've been there for me tis couple of days.
i'l do fine.
one day you'll see e same old true me,
always smiling, always happy.
cheers.

2005-04-07T13:13:00.000+08:00

hey, t you, bastard.
if you'd ever read tis, thanks alot man.
cos if you have no idea, it stabs. deep in.
i'd like t learn your skill of being so heartless and void of feelings.
and yes, teach me how t lie thru my teeth.
im not e fickle one,
you fucking are.

and t you, bitch.
you're nothing better either.
i DO HOPE you read tis,
cos you knoe what.
i despise you.
right thru t e core of an apple.
sorry i nv ever want such a huge ass like yours.
dont you even feel e shame when you're walking along e streets?
im wondering why both of you dun get shamed.
cos if i were him,
i'd feel xiasuay t even WALK BESIDE YOU.
so there.
i hate you.
what can you do?
hate me back.

2005-04-02T12:38:00.000+08:00

it's been a super long time since i've blogged.
yep, studying in bmc dhoby ghaut now.
things're going on fine, better environment t study than in crescent.
finally there're no more looking out for tis,
looking out for that.
i can study in peace!

feeling really really tired right now,
gonna go home soon t sleep.
havent slept much tis couple of days.
really gotta catch up on my sleep.
my eyes're so puffy they look like they'll burst.

been really busy, school, teaching tuition.
only have my weekends free now.
it's gonna be a long seven months from now t oct,
before it's gonna be as relaxed again.

i'll go back t crescent soon t visit.
it's only been over a week,
and im dreading thinking of what t wear everyday.

but ohwell.(:

been going thru alot of moodswings lately.
im having PMS too, POST-menstrual stress.
so bear wit me and all,
cos im super sick and tired of having t pretend here and there.
have been more straightforward, call me crude.
kinda pissed a couple of people off.
but haha. whatever it is. thats me.

cos i hate all e pretenders, e liars, e fuckers.
cos i cant stand people who can look me in e eye and lie thru their teeth.
i dun want those daggers hiding behind those fake smiles.
if you're not that perfect either, den take my attitude.
i dont ever go around showing just any other person attitudes, you know.
i've tolerated enough, so get it back now.

2005-03-20T15:23:00.000+08:00

i shall RETYPE what i was trying t yesterday.
thanks t you, duumb BLOGGER.
haha nvm.

ANYWAY. im out of crescent now!
not really official yet, but am in e midst.
jus some admin stuff t catch up on.
yuppppp. and i'll do my best, i promise,
t all of you who's been supporting me all tis while.
i'll be back t crescent wit my 6-pointer results slip for LEEBEEYAN( YES, YOU.).
(on second thoughts, maybe not 6-pointer. hahaha. but i'll do well alright!)

i'll miss all of you guys ALOT.
ALOT ALOT ALOT.
esp yuani, maine. e bitching sessions and people watching!
3s3 '04, those people i've once been super close t,
peiyin, flora and all. no more letters! sigh.
maybe i'll even miss wearing e school u!
but im gonna go back and visit, really. i will!

it's been super boring tis holidays.
okay, maybe not.
but it's still e same old stuff,
shopping, and worrying about money after.
aha. after tis's gonna be alot of studying.
so much catching up t do before e big exams!
wish me luck alright.

it's still you and your stupid lies and complicated life.
havent you had enough of that big ass bitch.
it's meihuey before we got tgt, it's meihuey when we were tgt, it's meihuey when we broke up, and again, meihuey AFTER we broke up.
you havent gotten enough of her? i have.
so she's like much more important than me right?
she's e full timer whereas i am e part time one.
go t her den.
why stick on t her yet cheat on her time and again.
since you could even give ME up for HER,
den why cant you jus commit your dumb self t her!
stop making up stupid lies cos im sick of it.
either you tell me e truth or dont tell me anything at all.
call me dumb, i'd lived in a lie for 5 whole months.
maybe even more.
im just not important enough right?
fine, i'd take it as if we'd nv gotten tgt before at all.
isnt that perfect for you too,
so much less worries.

ah fuckshit.
-signs off.

2005-03-19T19:52:00.000+08:00

im damn pissed off now. typed a SUPER LONG ENTRY.
and it didnt come out. AHHHHHHHHH.
SEE THAT EMPTY ENTRY BE:LOW.
im not gonna type anymore!
stupid ass. NEXT TIME.

2005-03-19T19:23:00.000+08:00

2005-03-13T22:35:00.000+08:00

screwed up piece of shit.

2005-02-25T23:34:00.000+08:00

HEYHEYHEY.
im over at sean's.
hahah.

anyway. i was wit e muske~~teers~~MONDS yesterday!
it was damn funny.
but we'll meet up again OKAY, must must must.
we have one common topic - i dun wanna elaborate.

im damn sleepy ok!
feel damn pekchek. ughhhh. ass.
suspension ended, back t class.
no more going t suntec while e rest are in school! HAHA.
haiyah. lol. signing off. love!

i've got e sudden urge t hug you and hear you call me baby for e last.

2005-02-23T23:03:00.000+08:00

i remember on tis very day a month ago,
i promised it'd be e last time i'd be reminiscing e past.
but promises are meant t be broken.
despite knowing it all i cant help it.
ohwells, you'll never read tis anyway, so i'll be frank.
i've moved on but e past still remains.
i promised i'd never say your name again.
im sick of all e dragging, e lies, e broken promises.
e giving in, time after time.
so now, even if it means leaving everything there unsolved,
im still leaving, without a trace, for good.
i dont knoe if it's a best for you.
but once again, i'll be e selfish me you've always thought i was.
cos' im telling you tis choice's gonna be e best for me.

you asked me whether i'd ever miss you,
i'd ever regret letting you go like that,
whether i'd be able t live without you.

my answer t you is,
i'd miss you. i believe you'd miss me too.
someday i might regret my decision but i'd never forget e many times i tried hanging on.
i'd be able t live without you, you showed me you'd be able t do e same.

you tell me never ever would you have e same kinda feeling you have towards somebody else, e way you felt towards me.
that's good, cos' i hope that in your eyes i was never, and i'll never be, just 'any other girl' you met and left.
i dont ever wanna be considered as one of e many flings you had,
it'd leave me ever so broken-hearted.

it was so painful, now it's numb.
but now no matter what kinda hatred i feel,
we'd never be.
cos once and for all,
im wishing you e best in your future endeavours.
and i promise it'd be e last time i ever do.
tis time im true.

but do not ever feel rejected,
cos my final answer is,
i believe you.that you really loved me.
and for that i wont deny that i ever did too.
that you were once, but never will be again, someone i could let everything go for. someone i treated like my life.

but im glad i have my own now.

ughhhh. shitface.
anyway it's damn humid in here,
let me jus get over wit tis entry and im getting out of here.
not sure if im still suspended,
but i guess i still am.
common tests are finally over,
it's time t catch up wit my good old sleep.
haha. like i promised,
IM GETTING OUT OF HERE. =D

clay aiken - the way

Something about the way
You look tonight
Something about the way
That I can't take my eyes off you
Something about the way
Your lips invite
Maybe it's the way that
I get nervous when you're around
and I want you to be mine
And if you need a reason why
It's in the way that you move me

And the way that you tease me
The way that I want you tonight
It's in the way that you hold me
And the way that you know me
When I can't find the right words to say
You feel it in the way
Oh you feel it in the way

Something about how
You stay on my mind
Something about the way that
I whisper your name when I'm asleep
Oh girl
Maybe it's the look
You get in your eyes
Oh baby it's the way that
It makes me feel to
See you smile
And the reasons they may change
But what I'm feeling stays the same

It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
The way that I want you tonight
It's in the way that you hold me
And the way that you know me
When I can't find the right words to say
You feel it in the way
Oh you feel it in the way
You feel it in the way
Oh you feel it in the way

I can't put my fingers on
Just what it is that
Makes me love you, you baby
So don't ask me to describe
I get all choked up inside
Just thinkin bout the way

It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
The way that I want you tonight
It's in the way that you hold me
And the way that you know me
When I can't find the right words to say
It's in the way that you move me
And the way that you tease me
The way
Feel it in the way
Something about the way you look tonight
There's nothing more to say than
I feel it in the way

2005-02-22T22:24:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, February 22, 2005
_sa tisf act ion.

yeah, i know im the love of your life.WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN,MY HEAVENLY MOTHER.i miss you like, ah boy misses ah girl LEHS.snorts, we better go out soon before i forget how you look like.germaine 02.19.05 - 12:53 pm

HAHA WHATEVER, my HEAVENLY DAUGHTER.we just had breakfast today!next time we shall test market, push yuani down e stairs. i think she'll have e same reaction, if you knoe what i mean. HAHA.xue. 02.22.05 - 10:24 pm

this xueyun ought t learn a lesson from me. i shall do smth t her in school tmr.

I DONT LIKE YUANI.

2005-02-16T20:24:00.000+08:00

frenster pissed me off by screwing up! ughhh.
it's been boring tis couple of days.
i think im screwing up my sciences! ahh.

anyway if any of you manage t get e song shen bian by wu yin liang pin,
mustmustMUST tell me k! i want that song!
BADLY.
hahah.

everybody's pissing me off!
i still have my private fantasy world.

hug me tight, take me away.
far away, there's only you and i.
no external factors,
it's just both of us.
; e love of my life.

2005-02-13T17:39:00.000+08:00

aye! okay i'll make tis entry short and sweet.
i've only got 10mins left!
hahah.

as usual, school's crap.
im externally suspended.
means no going t school,
and i'll go back for common tests next week,
tgt wit yuani.
and whether we'd get expelled'd depend on our results.
i'd miss you guys! alot.
i hate all tis trouble, it's giving me a headache.

anyhow, everything's going on kinda fine.
down wit quite a bad cough and flu,
it's been here since before newyear!
irritating tiny bacterias. hahaha.

my year started off bad, really bad.
do hope everything'll go off fine.

2005-02-02T21:33:00.000+08:00

anastacia - left outside alone.

All my life i've been waiting
for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not ok, i dont feel safe

I dont feel safe (oooh)

Left Broken, empty and in despair
Wanna breathe, can't find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
so much more i have to say
help me find a way

And i wonder if you know
how it really feels,
to be left outside alone
when it's cold out here
Well maybe you should know
just how it feels
to be left outside alone
to be left outside alone

I tell you,

All my life i've been waiting
for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not ok, i dont feel safe

I need to pray..

Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
careless, helpless little man
someday i might understand
Theres not much more to say
but i hope you find a way

Still i wonder if you know, how it really feels
to be left outside alone, when its cold out here
well maybe you should know, just how it feels,
to be left outside alone
to be left outside alone

I tell you,

All my life i've been waiting
for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not ok, i dont feel safe

I need to pray..
Ooh Pray
Heavenly father (oooh)
(Please)Heavenly father (Save me) Oh save me
Oooooh..

And I Wonder If you know
How it really feels
To be left outside alone
when its cold out here
Well maybe you should know
just how it feels
to be left outside alone
to be left outside alone

All my life i've been waiting
for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning
It's not ok, i dont feel safe

I Need to Pray....

my current favourite song.(:
try listening t it when you feel fucked up.
hahahh.
im suspended for 2 weeks okay.
so fucked up, being watched on practically every min im in school.
but haiyah. i've had enough of those dumb pep talks.
i just wanna study in peace.
i wanna get my Os over and done wit and leave e school.
i knoe you DO read my blog,
see that? so STOP picking on us.
anyway my private life isnt of yours t interfere la huh.
so what do you want t do now?
extend my suspension? cos im openly defiant t you on my blog?
ha ha ha. not funny. stop your crap and leave me alone.

it's been crap recently la.
so busy, so tired.
i'd jus go 'POM!' on my bed, and off t sleep.
thats a good thing, it takes my mind away.(:

anyway. yuani isnt leaving!
hahahh. YEAH.
thanks t all you guys who've been around thru all these things,
after suspension life'll be back t normal. yeah! =D

anyway, I GOTTA GO. =D

2005-01-24T09:54:00.000+08:00

back i am in e school comp lab.
so dumb sitting here alone whenever they have physics,
but it's practically e only time i get t use e net!
trying t complete my weeks overdue chinese newspaper cutting.
im sorry t say it's driving me crazy.
so is e dumb chinese teacher.
i think she thinks she hates me but she actually is secretly in love wit me,
but doesnt wanna admit it cos it's not right for teachers t be lesbians,
and t fall for students.
HAHAH.
i was just trying t entertain myself lah. =D

it's weird no longer having you around.
i can still remember e warmth when you held me close.
i can still remember how those hugs and kisses felt when we both knew it was e last.
i can still remember how hard it was t turn and leave, wit you standing there, looking at me.
i can still remember stopping myself from telling you a last i love you for fear you'd see me cry again.
i can still remember e hurts and e pains,
but so can i remember e joy and e smiles.
e memories so well.

accepting you was a barrier i had t cross,
now leaving is a steep mountain i have t climb.
it feels better when i knoe you're still around and all,
but everything's jus so different.
no longer around t fill that empty space right at e bottom of my heart.
it's sad t know how difficult it was t make things work.
where you went wrong, where i went wrong.

maybe, jus maybe.
a blessing in disguise, you said.

it's heartening t see how much you still care,
though knowing those hugs'll never be around anymore.
dont stop caring for me, it makes me feel safe.
even if it's a lie.

2005-01-19T15:42:00.000+08:00

screw YOU, bitches.

e start of this year's been pretty bad.
new year was fun though,
down at chjimes wit gina, tyler, jake, candice,
not forgetting, you.(:
went for shisha after that.

as usual, school still screws my life up.
things happening one after another,
it's turning me all upside down.

everybody else seems t have changed.
sometimes i sit down on a chair and think
'what am i really doing, what do i really want?'
i fear as i think of e future,
i've simply no idea what it brings.

no specific resolution nor wish this new year.
just want everything t go smoothly,
i'll get over with crescent,
my family and friends'll be fine.

and i just want you and your beautiful soul.
i want t be back t normal,
i dont want us t change.
cos' i love you, and all of you alone.
and we'll fulfill what we promised,
half a year in a months' time,
and many more half a years t go.

e love that'll nv be replaced.

yuani, dont leave.
it'll be lonely without you.
you're not gonna get expelled,
we'll do all it takes t get you t stay.
it's not been easy on either of us,
especially not you.
dont worry, we'll always be here.
me, your dad, maine, jia and all e rest.
you'll be fine, i promise.
-hugs.
remember our pact?
together we'll

screw THOSE, bitches. =D

2004-12-24T19:48:00.000+08:00

this years' xmas's crap.
e whole world's going for countdowns and clubbing and drinking and all that shit.
here i am stuck in hk,
eating pizza hut,
prob going t womens' street( translation of nu ren jie).
here without you.

that yuani is still in bed, it's even past dinner time!
ughh. stupid ass.
boredboredboredboredbored.
e tv's talking t me in some foreign language,
canto i guess.
I DONT UNDERSTAND. >.<"

ughhhhh. i wanna go back t spore LAH.

2004-12-20T05:45:00.000+08:00

HELLOOOOOOOOOO.
hahahahhhhh. guess what!
it's currently 5.47 in e morning,
yuani and i just finished dyeing our hair.
weird colours.
we look like peacocks now.
LOL.

i feel like sleeping lah! but my hair isnt dry.
i hope i dont see neon pink streaks in my hair when i wake up tmr.
HAHAHAh.

e past few days has been intensive shopping, intensive shopping.
and still, intensive shopping.
we sleep at 6am,
wakeup at 6pm,
leave e house for dinner wit a handbag and a jacket.
and we arrive back at home,
wit a dozen more shopping bags.(okay im exaggerating).

hahahahh. i missing all you people!
ughhh. i'll be back really soon,
im missing YOU. =D

2004-12-14T04:18:00.000+08:00

helloo! at yuani's place.
jus watched some boring porn.
im sorry it so didnt turn us on.
it turned us OFF.
HAHAHA. anyway it's damned dumb.
wtf are we doing.

actually we jus wanted t stay awake. LOL.

anyway. i'll update again once im in hk or smth. =D

2004-11-24T20:32:00.000+08:00

HELLOOHHHHH!
teeheeheeeeeee. ok im sorry.
-tugs collar, straightens shirt. ahem.
haha! anywayyys.
im bonkers.
i think i knoe why.
my house comp's so screwed, resulting in my overstress!
fwahhhhh. lol.

im bored lah!
e only reason why im so able t type a nice entry sitting down and not stressing out, is BECAUSE.
IM NOT AT HOME.
wow, how amazing.
pardon me for my lameness.
haha. anybody wanna finance a clown t put at my place?!
den i wouldnt be THIS bored always. LOL.

anywayyyyyyyyyyyyys.
some retard's messing my hair! ughhhh.
e messy hair style's in fashion.
i think hairastylists in e future do not need certs. LOL.
ok out of point.

yeeeeeee-ha.
yuani get well soon okay! =D

yup, went school today.
for whatsoever reason i wonder.
cos i was only there for less than 2 hrs,
sorry mom.
for wasting your hard earned money on useless bus fare.
hahahahahah.
ok sorry.
(((((((((:

i miss you, you and youu! (actually i miss myself e most).

2004-11-18T01:49:00.000+08:00

oasis - don't go away

cold and frosty morning there's not a lot to say
about the things caught in my mind
and as the day is dawning my plane flew away
with all the things caught in my mind

and I wanna be there when you're coming down
and I wanna be there when you hit the ground

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

damn my situation and the games i have to play
with all the things caught in my mind
damn my education i can't find the words to say
about the things caught in my mind

and I wanna be there when you're coming down
and I wanna be there when you hit the ground

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

me and you what's going on?
all we seem to know is how to show the feelings that are wrong

so don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

and don't go away
say what you say
but say that you'll stay
forever and a day in the time of my life
'cause i need more time
yes, i need more time, just to make things right

so don't go away

this song's like it's exactly made for me.
it's exactly what i wanna say.
sigh, don't go away.
i just need more time t make things right.
i don't wanna lose you. i really don't.

read thru all e smses you've sent me which i saved.
read thru e letters you gave me.
you told me you'd always love me.
till e day i was wit someone else.
you told you'd always be waiting.
till e day i tell you i don't love you.

it's our 3rd month.
remember e day we got tgt?
you accompanied me down all e way jus t make my ic.
it was on e mrt, i agreed.
our first date, our first movie.
our first kiss, in e cinema.
and that time behind e swimming pool.
e times at houg mrt, times where we'd walk around aimlessly not knowing what t do.
so many more..
i can't let them go, i don't want to.

i knoe very well myself that by doing all tis,
not only am i not wasting my time,
i'll always regret that i didnt even try.

all i ask for is you t give me that chance.
ask yourself, can you really give all tis up?
do you really want to? will you end up regretting one day?
you tell me, why not shorten e pain.
if you havent even tried, how'd you know we'll nv become happier?

it doesnt feel good t wake up every morning realising e fact that you're no longer here.
i'll be waiting, for that day when i can wake up, messaging you, telling you that i love you. all over again.

i can only wish,
that we'll be like e past.
lying wit me are so many faults,
would you give me a chance t make it up t you, t me, t us?

so many things've happened within a week,
it's hard t imagine that jus 1 week ago i was planning so hard for today.
a day which i've nv imagined that i wouldnt even spend wit you.
it's hard t accept that,
1 week ago,
what'll be on my mind'll be what time i'll be meeting you.
1 week later,
what's on my mind is, when will i ever be able t hold you tight, again, like in e past..

i miss you, i really do.
all of you.
doing all tis isnt an obligation,
so please, don't tell me t stop.
please don't tell me t do smth that'll only let myself down.

i really want you back, back by my side.
all i need now is you t give me a big hug,
and tell me that everything's gonna be okay.

happy 21st birthday, happy 3rd month..

2004-11-16T21:15:00.000+08:00

we were finally fine, though things didnt turn out e way i wanted.
and bcos of me, we're no longer gonna be fine again.
it hurts t knoe that dont love me no more.
and it hurts even more t knoe that i was e cause of it all.
i admit my mistakes, what you've said really made sense.
who can i blame but myself.

and when i finally do understand,
i've used up all my chances.
it was like a game,
everytime we fought, i felt like i was kicked out.
but time and again you've broken e rules and let me back in,
but tis time i guess im permanantly disqualified.

i don't deserve someone better,
maybe i don't even deserve you.
but you were e first person i've ever loved this way.
it seems as if, you're my first boyfriend all over again.

i learnt lessons e hard way.
but still. i dont wanna lose you tis way.
you mean too much,
im never gonna give you up.

since our breakup isnt caused by a third party,
i believe i'll still be able t do it.
cos of you, you.
i love you for e way you are,
and t love someone else e way i love you, it's not hard.
i can never.

im not sure if you'll ever read tis.
but if you do, again, i apologise.
and i'll change.
if only you'll give me a chance.
i'll wait.
even till e day you get attached t someone else.
i'll still wait.

if you ask me why.
i'll just say.
i dont wanna lose you.
not someone like you, but you alone.
cos no one has ever taught me so much.
no one has ever been tis special in my life.

i dont care if you say im still young, i dont even care if you call me immature cos im tearing everytime i knoe you arent here anymore. i just wanna tell you, i really love you.

if you really decided t give me jus a last chance.
i promise you. i'll do anything make it up t you. and even more.
you dont have t do anything, till e day you tell me.
that you've fallen in love wit me all over again.

and for you, i'll be waiting. i'll always be.

[[ boyz II men - on bended knees ]]

2004-11-14T02:31:00.000+08:00

once and for all, we're through.
i thank you for e times you've brought me,
all e things you've done for me,
all e love you gave me.
i thank you for e times you were here for me,
and all e times you've given in t my attitudes.
for you i've changed,
and i'll continue t be tis way,
if it makes me a better person.
thank you for all e things you've taught me,
for maturing me.

tis will not sound pleasant t you, but.
i've reflected on myself,
i've swallowed my pride,
i apologise for all of my faults.
i hope you'll do e same.
i guess both of us need t learn,
though from a broken relationship.
and i sincerely hope,
you, will change too.
t be a better person,
nobody's perfect.
hopefully e same things will not happen t either of us in our next relationship t come.

i really loved you, and i believe you,
i knoe you loved me too.
but all tis is too much for both of us t take,
you're not causing me harm.
both of us will make each other unhappy.

live for yourself, for e better.
and not for me anymore.
you no longer have me as a burden,
you'll finally have a life you've always wished for.
i wish you happiness,
i'll miss you and all e times.

i've never regretted all e things i've given t you,
yes, not even what i've lost.
i hope, and i knoe you will, always appreciate all that i've given.
jus like i'll nv forget what you gave me.

for e last time, i love you.
goodbye, desmond..

evanescence - forgive me

can you forgive me again
i don't know what I said
but i didn't mean to hurt you

i heard the words come out
i felt that i would die
it hurts so much to hurt you

then you look at me
you're not shouting anymore
you're silently broken

i'd give anything now
to kill those words for you

each time i say something i regret
i cry, i don't want to lose you
but somehow i know that you will never leave me

cause you were made for me
somehow i'll make you see
how happy you make me
i can't live this life
without you by my side
i need you to survive

so stay with me
you look in my eyes and i'm screaming inside
that i'm sorry

and you forgive me again
you're my one true friend
and i never meant to hurt you

maybe, maybe it's true. my relationships only could last for a mere few months, whereas not you. maybe e problem lies wit me. im sorry.

2004-11-13T22:13:00.000+08:00

britney spears - everytime

notice me, take my hand
why are we strangers when
our love is strong
why carry on without me

everytime i try to fly, i fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, it's haunting me
i guess i need you, baby

i make believe that you are here
it's the only way i see clear
what have i done
you seem to move on easy

and everytime i try to fly, i fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, you're haunting me
i guess i need you, baby

i may have made it rain
please forgive me
my weakness caused you pain
and this song's my sorry

at night I pray
that soon your face will fade away

and everytime i try to fly, i fall
without my wings, i feel so small
i guess i need you, baby
and everytime i see you in my dreams
i see your face, you're haunting me

i guess i need you, baby.

boyz II men

and I....
darlin' i, i can't explain
where did we lose our way
girl it's drivin' me insane
and i know i just need one more chance
to prove my love to you
if you come back to me
i'll guarantee
that i'll never let you go

can we go back to the days our love was strong
can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
can somebody tell me how to get things back
the way they used to be
oh God give me the reason
i'm down on bended knee
i'll never walk again, until you come back to me
i'm down on bended knee

so many nights i dream of you
holding my pillow tight
i know that i don't need to be alone
when i open up my eyes
to face reality
every moment without you
it seems like eternity
i'm begging you, begging you come back to me

can we go back to the days our love was strong
can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
can somebody tell me how to get things back
the way they used to be
oh god give me the reason
i'm down on bended knee
i'll never walk again, until you come back to me
i'm down on bended knee

(baby, im sorry. please forgive me for all the wrong i've done.
please come back home girl. i know you put all your trust
in me, i'm sorry i let you down. please forgive me girl.)

i'm gonna swallow my pride
say I'm sorry
stop pointing fingers, the blame is on me
i want a new life
and I want it with you
if you feel the same
don't ever let it go
you gotta believe, in the spirit of love
it can heal all things
we won't hurt any more
no I don't believe our love's terminal
i'm down on my knees, begging you please
come home

can we go back to the days our love was strong
can you tell me how a perfect love goes wrong
can somebody tell me how to get things back
the way they used to be
oh god give me the reason
i'm down on bended knee
i'll never walk again, until you come back to me
i'm down on bended knee

(wanna build a new life
just you and me
gonna make you my wife
raise a family)

can somebody tell me how to get things back
the way things used to be
oh god give me a reason
i'm down on bended knee
i'll never walk again, till you come back to me
i'm down on bended knee

i really love you.

2004-11-13T16:12:00.000+08:00

do you know e real feeling of having your heart throb in pain..

here i am crying for a few hours,
being so pathetic,
begging you to stay.
there i see you flirting,
organising your bday,
going to zouk.

and i don't even know a single shit.

is checking on you e only way t know what's happening?
i don't like tis feeling.
you say i dont trust you.
how much more do you want me t trust you tis way.
you said you loved me.
how much did you show it.
you said you aren't good enough for me.
excuses.
can you tell me, honestly.

why do you want t leave.

give me a valid reason.
and i won't ask anymore.

2004-11-12T03:36:00.000+08:00

it's yet another sleepless night. i lie awake, tossing and turning on my bed, thinking about all that has happened, particularly e disappointment earlier today. i wonder where this relationship is seriously heading, and as i suddenly realise that there're so many things which can never be undone or changed, i cried. can we really be like what we wanted t be at e start of e relationship? would you want to? i wonder whether all im doing is right, is this just a testing period, or is it just meant to end this way. there're so many differences t sort out. bad habits can be changed, but there;re some things, which will never be there once they're not. i admit i do have my flaws, but from e start of everything, have i ever changed for you? you tell me you want me to be e way i am cos` it's me, but have you ever tried accepting me this way? i put in a hundred and one for us, i gave everything. you said you did, and if it's true, i guess im selfish. cos` i want more. it hurts t have everything and nothing at once, it hurts t knoe you're around yet you're not.

2004-11-10T13:12:00.000+08:00

HEY. =D
been kinda in a good mood recently.
tis few days, rather. haha.
im having mochi! woots.
heaven beyond words! haha!
hmm. was out wit peiyun yst.
intensive shopping recently.
currently owning 2 new tops, a new skirt, a new 3-quarts and belt! =D
kinda slacked around, had lips.
met up wit her fren(s) later in e night.
haha i hate desperate kukus! =
yes anyway, im bored. holidays are no life.
it's so routine,
waking up in e afternoon, playing comp, eat, sleep.
OR
STILL waking up in e afternoon, going out, come back, play comp, sleep.
so no life right!

YES, time to EAT! MUAHAHA. =D
-signs off.

2004-11-08T23:43:00.000+08:00

fixed my hdd, at least im not gonna rot in my bed for e whole day wit nothing t do anymore.
life's been wit quite a few rough patches recently,
im still normal, nevertheless =D
that ass retained me, i have just 2 more marks t go.
-curses and swears.
today has been another unproductive day.
woke up, met maine and shaf in town.
headed home early, had tuition.

i hate all these moments when i feel so tied down yet so alone. i hate e times when, everybody's here, but of all pple, you're not. you're so near, yet so far. i feel so distant from you, i dont like tis feeling. i dislike keeping silent despite e disappointments you've given me, i dislike all e assumptions you make about me. all i wanted was a true relationship, where we'd come clean wit each other for even just minor stuff. i'm not like your ex, i might'nt be what you're looking for. but i am who i am. i can change for you, but would you ever be able t do e same for me? if only we could talk properly, if only we could see eye t eye on so many matters. if only you could understand what i want, if only we could go thru tis without those countless quarrels. i can, can you? would you ever be able t stand in my shoes? will we last like i've always wished..

2004-09-14T15:30:00.000+08:00

yes, and here's a new post.
haha. my damned comp's down.
i hope des gets it done. quick.
okay, actually my time online's quite limited too i guess.
fyp's are drawing near yet i've yet t start.
been slacking e whole of this year and it really IS time t wake up.
the problem is, i dont seem t have enough time at all.
and where do i start? sigh.
o levs next year. i seem so, so far from it.

yes anyway. school just started.
am still addicted t e excess sleeping during e holidays.
I WANNA SLEEP.
brought des and catched up wit e whole group on sat =D
had e baked rice i missed that dearly. lol.
played pool.
okay, more of sitting around and catching up wit evil.
yes i guess it's true, we're no longer as close as in e past.
but from another point of view,
WE STILL ARE! =D
we all have our different lives i guess.
am appreciative of e occassional gatherings((:

anyway. 2 things i've been wanting t put up.
-i mistaked some durex lubricating gel for MINI HAIR GEL. how malu-ating. at 7-11. HAHA. please go take a look, it's light blue in colour.
-was studying wit py at delifrance when an american approached us t translate and help him write a letter in chinese t his beautiful china girlfriend. how sweet. lol.

okay it's time for friendster, will update soon. I HOPE. =D

2004-09-02T14:31:00.000+08:00

helloooooo. hohos.
bored in school. waiting for some DUMB girl.
who had half an hour but spent it doing retarded things instead.
haha. yes anyway, happy(belated) birthday weiren!
apologies, -to be continued due t unforseen circumstances =/
OKAY IM BACK. in e school comp lab.
say, 12 days after i started this post. hha.
kinda forgotten what i wanted t write. so, ya. =D
-signs off.

2004-08-31T11:49:00.000+08:00

I MISS MY COMP.
havent been online in ten thousand years, yes i knoe.
haha I MISS YOU ALL.
been pretty busy anyway,
rushing here and there.
and i kinda kicked e 'i cant live without my comp' life.
so i guess it's a good thing after all.
lol. certain alterations in my life.
t be happy or upset, that i wonder.
school's been a big mess wit all e bitches and all.
misunderstandings going home and all.
other than that im quite contented i guess ((:

anyway. currently at peiyun's house.
WAITING FOR HER T PACK SO WE CAN LEAVE.
somebody pls shoot her.
haha. so smelly. go bathe la. -sprays air freshener.

haha, yes i havent forgotten you guys.
MY DEAR AND DARLING. =D
each of us've been really busy wit our own lives it's hard t catch up.
nonetheless we'll always be three musketeers,
RIGHT? LOL. we shall have t meet up for dinner someday okay!
yes, signing off. i'll be online soon. i hope. =D

2004-08-01T02:13:00.000+08:00

kinda jus came across smth which i ain't supposed t (i think).
yes, and im not sure if i should be but i felt quite affected.
sometimes i ask myself what really is e truth and all,
like hey im sensitive.
and i believe my senses quite alot.
somehow or other i think there's jus a little smth fishy around here.
sigh, ya. stuck.

tuition wit ng today,
he'd suffer retribution for making me stay that late!!
dumb asshole. i almost fell asleep.
town today, met maine & co.
she had ta leave early, met yuani and pearlynn instead.
den gina came. sortof slacked around e whole day.
and i hate e damned bitch.
like get a life. it's not my fault that you didnt get supper, you could've always went without me. hello, t think i even felt bad that i broke my promise!
feeling quite dumb,
you ought t be shot! -ripped from yuani *you dont mind, ya? = influenced by your language.

and yes, im in a foul mood.
am off t bed, i didnt notice it's alr 2.20?!
waking at 9 tmr, sigh..

2004-07-31T01:44:00.000+08:00

thanks sweets for e pretty template! =D
and yes, im retarded. it's almost 2 and im still up.
been looking at friendster for e past god-knoes-how-many hours.
hohos.
nothing much actually, jus thought i'd dropped by and take a look.

-i'd nv gather the rolling stones in your heart.

2004-07-28T23:01:00.000+08:00

Yepp :))
Gina invades.

Got your template up alright.
Any changes just let me know.

2004-07-24T01:31:00.000+08:00

am finally back,
yet not feeling good.
felt kinda lonely, my current life seems like it's in a total screwed up stage.
yes, growing up stage like what you'd say,
but all e pressure's making me feel like im stuck in a room without an exit, and all four walls are closing in on me..
tis empty feeling's kinda familiar,
feels so near yet so far.
there're too many things t do, too many people to please.
i dun seem like myself anymore.
i've changed and i dun like this new me.

and enough of the sadistic stuff,
certainly glad t be back. =]
am currently trying t work harder kinda thing,
working on my amaths.
and tis time im proving that dumb bitch wrong.

move, bitch. get outta e way.))x

going tanning tmr,
but my tattoo touch-up's not even healed!!
ohwells. lol. at least we're finally having a proper sub-clique outing.(most of e time it doesnt work out)
LOL. am off t bed,
-yawn.

2004-07-09T01:53:00.000+08:00

havent blogged in awhile.
yup. almost 2 now.
gonna sleep soon, waking at 5 tmr.
good luck t me.
school always make me look so haggard.
like now i look like some ghost.
my eye bags are bigger than my eyes. -.-"
dumb shit, how can i ever live without makeup.
haha.
busy day ahead tmr. or rather.
later on.
figured i'd use e oral waiting time t sleep.
hmm. and take e long bus ride home so i can sleep!
e tuition's stressing me up.
it's taking up too much of my time!!
but sigh. e money. >.<"
signing off.

2004-07-02T00:14:00.000+08:00

happy bday t me! =D
lol. thanks for e wishes. yup.
tis bday's gonna be kinda boring,
glad i did celebrate it though.

school reopened,
though it feels like exams are over.
lessons are slack, if not very slack.
half e time we're running ard, bitching or sleeping.
LOL.
youth day tmr, going kbox aft that. woots. =D

2004-06-21T20:25:00.000+08:00

got back from e chalet,
=D yup.
kinda e happiest celebration i had,
most of my closer frens were around.
but kinda e saddest too. =| lol.

almost got dunked into e swimming pool,
screamed till manager came out though. lol.
in e end, was still made all wet.
wasnt any difference though.
grandma helped me =D haha.

got drunk on fri night.
well, half drunk. puked thrice.

sunday was boring.
sat around and slacked.
riddles, the person who couldnt answer drank.

thankkyouu guys for coming,
thankyou for e presents =D
yup. thankyou for making an enjoyable bday.

*you were meant t be e surprise but you ended up t be e disappointment. i hate liars. if you didnt wanna come you jus had t reject e invitation. not lie. you might be reading tis, if you still do check back here. i jus wanted t tell you tat you didnt have t treat me like some fool. if they didnt tell me what happened i wouldn have known you were like tis. you were nv like that, and i nv knew you would be, someday.

2004-06-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

fucked up fucked up fucked up.
i hate pple t control my life.
stop trying t sound like some godess la bitch.
sigh. stop trying t make dumb decisions for me.
i can pass and i knoe it very well.
i do not need you t brainwash both my parents and i wit your fucking dumb ideas.
please do not make me sound as if im totally beyond hope.
i will not retain and even if i have t switch schools,
i will not come to you begging like a fucking dog.
i'd gladly be fucking rid of your dumb 's y m p a t h y'.
CCB.

2004-06-15T01:42:00.000+08:00

doomsday tmrw.
parent teacher meet.
fuck e principal.
sigh. wish me luck.

2004-06-12T19:01:00.000+08:00

like fuckyou, bitch.
first my line, now my phone?
i never knew i was such a slut in your eyes.
i guess such a slut shouldn't have been your daughter.
so you're saying im not supposed t blame you.
you're right by nagging and screaming,
when i haven't said a single word?
oh i see.

probably you really shouldnt get me back my line.
then you wouldn't be able t find me,
and that gives you more reason to disturb my friends everyday.
maybe i should flare up,
you're jus pretending to care anyways,
so why waste my friends' hp bills.

fuckoff, bitch.

2004-06-10T18:36:00.000+08:00

my fever's back.
like whatever, goodness.
quarrelled wit mom last night,
got so pissed i went out.
without anything.
not even my wallet, like how pathetic la.

met tyler, played pool.
and i realised my line got cut off by that damned bitch.
cb. was too late, had no one to contact.
tyler had t go home cos he head school,
so was left roaming about alone.
phone went out of batt.
yupp. till 9+, confirmed that they left for work alr,
before i decided t come home.

yupp, tired and hungry. lol.
tmrw's a busy day again.
chalet's coming up real soon,
lots of preparations to do. o.O

2004-06-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

disheartened. what wrongs did i do t make even a frenship tis way now. i thought, i apoligised. does that mean anything, at all. it took me alot, alot of courage. to send those messages, both frenster and sms. but. i guess it's all down e drain.

2004-06-07T09:36:00.001+08:00

heyheys. =]
in school, really really tired.
couldnt get t sleep e whole of last night,
finally got into a light sleep at 4+, nearing 5.
woke up when my mom opened the door at 6.15.
couldnt sleep anymore after tat.
god bless me. =| haha.

currently in some dumb course wit a bitch in black.
like whatever alrights, shutup ch**by*.
yawn. yup. signing off.